Embarrassed

I'm pretty embarrassed.....it's been way too long since I've posted. And my friends who have lively, excellently written blogs are putting me to shame with their consistent posting. Although, in my defense, Lauren, I don't have an adorable red-headed child to write about, and my friend Melissa gave herself an actual project to focus on. Perhaps that's my main problem--this blog is too wide-open, not narrow enough for me to set goals by. I'm going to think on that and come up with something that will be easier for me to keep up with and more interesting for you to read! In the meantime, here's what's been going on in my world:

1) Rehearsals! I'm finally back on stage in a play after a much too long absense. It's Much Ado about Nothing set in the Tennessee hills. Naturally, with my "expertise" in Tennessee, I was asked to be the dialect coach. So, my new job is teaching Angelenos, who are from various places around the country, how to speak like different degrees of "hillbilly", as our director (from Alberta, no less) puts it. He also tends to ask me about other "hillbilly" related things, such as how they conduct themselves at dances. I gently remind him that though I am from the South, I am not a hillbilly and can therefore be no help to him.

2) Fires. The whole southern part of the state is burning. It's going to be (literally) 110 degrees today, with little to no wind. This means the smoke is hanging in the air making it very difficult to breathe. Add that to the general brown-smogginess of everyday life in LA and you have a lovely day in the Southland. I've never missed thunderstorms so much--if it rained right now I'd run outside and just stand in it for the pure pleasure of liquid falling from the sky. Seriously.

3) Here's a blog I really love that makes me laugh everyday: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

OK, all, I will be making an effort to better put y life and thoughts up here. Until then, go back and look at my postings from my first impressions of LA (Sept. 07) and look at this one. Perspective, much?

Babies

So one of the last hold-outs of girls I have met in my life who have not yet gotten pregnant just announced she's pregnant. Destiny was one of the few I knew who didn't get married to have babies, and she, like me, enjoyed her freedom and just being married. That pretty much leaves my list of non-pregnant or non- mom friends to.....four? Five maybe?

And while some part of me enjoys being able to go out with my friends after work without a thought, loves that we have chosen a different kind of path that has led us to adventures and meeting interesting people, doing interesting things, another part of me is jealous. Jealous that other people chose a more conventional life, bought a house, got a decent job and had babies. Sometimes I feel like my life would be simpler if I had chosen that life. Somedays, there is a LOUD part of me that longs for the white picket fence.

Especially recently. My twenty-ninth birthday (29?!?) is coming up in a couple of months and I can almost hear the clock ticking. I'm ready for a baby. Our life right now is not ready, but I am, and I'm pretty sure Jeff is. I'm just not sure when the timing will line up for us. We may be those kids who it just happens to whether we're ready or not. Or we might even choose to say, "So the timing isn't great. So what?" Gosh. It's still a bit scary writing it out like this. I mean, when we moved to California I was THRILLED to not have a baby. I was regaling in my new urban, twenty-something life. But now, I have turned a corner somehow.

I wish I knew when it happened. Was it reading all the Facebook pages of girls with smiling pictures of swollen bellies? Was it knowing my brother would be a dad any minute if they could find a way? Was it "getting over" California and realizing how homesick I've become? I blame it on Moira, my pregnant co-worker whose cubicle is across from mine. We all watched her grow and grow, the very picture of cool, calm motherhood. Moira made pregnancy look easy. And she proved how easy when she gave birth in about twenty minutes. I wish I were kidding. The paramedics almost didn't get her to the hospital.

And then she brought the baby in to meet us all. Tiny toes, wispy hair, delicate mouth yawning. And the baby smell. Crap. Hooked.

So I'm starting a workout regimen designed to shed some extra pounds so I'll be in the best shape possible.....whenever. Well, the exercise is mostly to fit into the clothes that no longer fit, so it's not all about babies! But it's on my mind. It lingers there and I wonder....

I realized today how deep some childhood teachings go. I bought this loaf of bread that, oddly enough, seems to have been burned along the bottom edge. Every day when I get to the bottom parts of my sandwich from lunch, I think, "Gee, this tastes gross." The blackened edge is dry, hard, and, well, tastes like burning. But I just eat it. Everyday.

Today, while enjoying my peanut butter and banana sandwich and a timeout from my day with the latest short story collection from Stephen King, I got to that charred edge. It was too much. The whole rest of my lunch had been so nice, and yet here was this black nastiness threatening to ruin my lunch. I thought, "I'm just gonna pull that part off." But I hesitated. Why? Because somewhere, deep in my memory, an adult said disapprovingly, "But you need to eat the crust. That's where all the vitamins are. Don't you want to grow up big and strong?"

OK, so who started this ridiculous myth? Who could possibly have decided that nutrients migrate from the soft, chewy center of the bread to the outside? This is unbelievable! Even more unbelievable is that I actually remembered it. I believed it was true! Not only have adults been propogating this terrible lie to children, but we, as children, we swallowing their line hook, line and sinker! What a disaster! What other childhood lies, myths, and general misguided adult "truths" have I and other children believed all our lives?

There's the obvious:

If you're not careful your face will stick that way.
Don't sit so close to the TV, it'll ruin your eyes.
Why? Because I said so.

There have to be others. I know I've heard them, lies parents tell to keep their children in line. And what's worse, I know I'll say those same things to my children. Why not? It clearly worked on me!

The good news? As I'm typing, I can see the charred remains of the crusts of bread in the trash can. Take that, childhood lies!

So LA

I had a bizarre LA experience today when I went to pick some stuff at the pharmacy. There were paparazzi hanging out at my local Starbucks waiting for some starlet or another. It was kind of creepy. I never saw the celeb.....I was trying to mind my own business......but I did see her entourage. There were about 8 photographers who all clearly know each other (nothing builds a friendship like standing around and waiting for mostly boring pretty people to walk outside with a latte), so I'm guessing this was a slightly important starlet. Definitely not a Brittany or a Paris, possibly a Mary Kate or Ashley. She (I overheard someone refer to the person as a "she") was in black jeep with tinted windows and two people in sunglasses in the front. There were at least four other cars flanking the jeep. Her entourage, I'm sure. The other interesting thing was that I overheard three different conversations by other people in the area about whether or not us "normal" people should feel bad for celebs who are followed constantly by the paparazzi. Just an ordinary afternoon in LA.

Settling for mediocrity

So I have this new job. I'm working for the J. Paul Getty Trust, which includes one of America's premier art museums. We also have a conservation institute which works all over the world conserving artwork and all kinds of antiquities. We also have a research institute that has a huge collection of old and rare books, art pieces, anything you might need for researching art and antiquity. They host several scholars each year and grad students who use the resources we have to further their own research into whatever it is they are into. Those scholars in residence are supported through the Getty Trust, which is just a bunch of money that supports all the parts of the Getty and gives grants to these scholars. I work in the marketing department of Getty Publications. We publish books about all kinds of things. Sometimes they are related to exhibits going on at the museum, or a former scholar in residence publishes their research, or sometimes its a kids book about art. I am the staff assistant to marketing. I keep our department organized, plan travel, and generally keep things running smoothly. That's hypothetical, of course, at least until I figure out what it is I'm supposed to do each day!

The best part of my job is working around creative-minded people. That is something I think I took for granted until I wasn't anymore. You see, the last year of my life I worked at a bookstore. Now, the pay wasn't good, but I enjoyed helping people find that perfect gift, or their favorite kids' book to give to their grandchildren, or that health book that is going to help them with their ailment. I had a hard time with some of the people I worked with, though. It was last year that I discovered that much of the adult world is happy where they are, which is usually mediocrity. It's as though they have turned their dreams off, or given up on them, or never had them in the first place. They got to some point in their lives and said "I have this crappy job that pays me very little and doesn't challenge me mentally or emotionally at all. I'm not really improving the world (ok, so at least I'm selling books which is important) but that's ok with me. I know if I wanted to do anything else, I'd have to work really hard or go back to school or make myself uncomfortable. I'd rather not rock the boat. Yeah, this job is ok enough."

I felt like I was banging my head against a wall with these people. There were opportunities out there for these people if they just wanted to reach out and grab them. But they were fine to make their little paycheck and, instead of investing it or saving for tuition or something that might move them forward, they ate out every night, played online video games until 4 am, or bought cars they didn't need and couldn't afford just because they had enough credit.

What is wrong with us that we think we just can't do better? I firmly believe that, yes, it's important to find contentment with the circumstances life hands you. Sometimes, in the face of terrible times, that's the only thing you can do. Be grateful for whatever you have that is good, and be content. However, I think it is even more important to be conscious of the forward movement of your life. Maybe you can't flesh out exactly what your dream is. Maybe it's hard to think about how you could ever make it out of the hole you're living in. But isn't it worth it to step out, to make a decision, to move somewhere that might move you out and up?

That's what we did. We took a chance moving to California because it felt like moving forward. Staying in Montgomery, taking a job at the Shakespeare Festival would have been easy. Jeff would have been making good money. The cost of living is cheap. I could have found some job, working in an office or for a church. But that felt like death to us. It was not just standing still, but taking a step back. We would have been stuck there, not gathering experience that would be helpful to us in the future, not seeking out the possibility of the future, no matter how frightening it might seem at the time. It felt like settling for mediocrity.

Our gamble paid off. God has truly blessed us in our faith that we were moving where we felt like we were supposed to be. In the face of financial hardship (and I'm talking $24 to our names hardship), economic collapse, and a crumbling job market, we both got jobs in fields where we feel we were meant to be. I know I'm still an administrative assistant, but I feel like I'm working for the greater good. I enjoy knowing we create books. Books about creativity and the arts, about ancient history and philosophy. I am where I'm supposed to be and I can only tell you that stepping out moved us forward. I don't know where we'll end up, and I don't even care. Because you never stop moving, not if you really try. You can always move forward, and I hope I always will.

A list of things causing me anxiety about the future

• Unemployment in the US at large and my own joblessness
• Ben Bernanke's assurance that we are "days away from a global economic crisis"
• Vaccines possibly causing autism
• People not vaccinating their kids and a rise in polio and other childhood diseases
• North Korea
• Russia
• The government positing that they have a solution to the market crisis
• Republicans not acting like Republicans
• Democrats not acting like Democrats
• A presidential race where I think both options are mostly the same
• Loss of fossil fuels
• Dependency on foreign oil
• Healthcare and insurance
  
• Wall Street
  
• Global poverty
  
• My own biological clock
• The feeling that making this list hasn't been as cathartic as I had hoped
• Helplessness
• Food shortages and rising food prices

Feel free to add to this list. I am curious if I am the only one feeling these anxieties.

Dim sum and then sum

A couple of weekends ago we got to feel like we were definitely living in a big city. We made our first trip to Chinatown which was lots of fun. Andrew loves this little restaurant there where lunch is all dim sum. And let me tell you, this place was genuine! Little Chinese families talking in broken english and ordering chicken feet from the trays as they rolled by. I think Jeff and I were both a little intimidated. Andrew graciously sat us, mostly because of the looks of thinly veiled terror on our faces, away from the aisle where girls were rolling trays of odd looking foods, some steamed balls of who-knows-what, some meats and veggies wrapped in wonton wrappers and then steamed, sesame balls (yum!), and some interesting pineapple bread that was sweet and not all at once. Andrew would order some of this and some of that off the trays and help us identify them. We mixed some mustard and soy sauce for dipping and away we went!

In a vain attempt to not show that we were totally out of place and fish out of water, Jeff and I were both using chop sticks. Now, we are fork users when we eat Chinese food, and reserve our chop stick use to sushi which is sticky and pretty much stays firmly on the ends. Dim sum, in contrast, is gooey and sometimes slimy (though it tastes better than that description might suggest) and doesn't want to stay put. I guess my talent for chop sticks is slightly more developed than Jeff's, because he was our lunchtime entertainment. He would chase the pieces of food around the plate, desperately trying to pick them up. Once, having tried a steamed dumpling of some kind, he thought I would really enjoy it as well. He picked it up and tried to place it on my plate. The dumpling slid from between the chop sticks, plopped onto my plate, and promptly slid right off onto the floor. Jeff was stunned into silence with his sticks still poised in the air. We all laughed and kept on eating unidentified steamed foods and enjoying ourselves all the way. It was really fun and I had the absolutely best wonton soup ever made. I really could have just eaten that and been happy.

After lunch we went across the street to some of the stores and looked around. Since Jeff hadn't started work yet we couldn't buy anything (which is a sad statement on our poverty, I think. Can't afford Chinatown?!?) but it was fun seeing what was there anyway. It made me feel very cosmopolitan to know I'm living in a town with a real live Chinatown, and also made me feel like a small-town girl a little bit. But that's ok.

We've not had a chance to really see a lot of other stuff yet, as Jeff has only just started work and I'm still looking, but we're trying to get out and enjoy our new town. I've discovered the local farmer's markets, and plan to check those out soon. We're hoping to see some plays and maybe some concerts as well--there seem to be free or low cost events all over the place which is nice.

Jeff is starting work on a play which Andrew is directing. It opens at the end of this month and runs through October. It probably won't pay much if anything, but I think he'll enjoy just designing again. I'm thinking I will start going to work with Andrew, just to be an unofficial intern at Superior. It would teach me a little bit about the industry and allow me to let potential employers know that I have put in some time with an industry company. I am hoping that will give me a leg up on getting a job. At least it would get me out of the house and hopefully be a learning experience. It couldn't be less helpful than sitting around the house all day hoping the temp agency will call or that my resume will get a hit online. We're fine for a while without me getting a job because Jeff is making good money. However, to be able to pay off some debts and enjoy living in California, we'll need to get a second income sometime in the next couple of months. Hopefully sooner.

Anyway, if we do anything else interesting, I'll try to take pictures to show here. I'm terrible at that, as you all know!