Self-doubt

So sorry to my readers. You've informed me after my recent declaration that no one is reading that...you actually are reading. Sorry. Jeff would say that this is one more example of my own self-doubt in my abilities. Maybe he's right. Sorry to have doubted my friend's attention to my life or my writing abilities. Thanks for reading!

I spent several hours the other day researching grad schools. It's a little overwhelming. I have the same feeling now that I did when I went to an all-call audition (similar to SETC for those of you who know what that is): I am way under-prepared. I have this feeling that everyone else who will apply to these schools have tons more in their portfolios and have had more class work in creative writing. And maybe that's true. I know it shouldn't stop me if this is what I feel like I need and want to do, but it is a bit daunting.

I've always kind of felt like I was the "wrong" kind of artist. You know how artists are portrayed in movies? Young actresses, the serious kind mind you, are always seen as brooding, philosophical girls who where too much make-up or flowing skirts and peasant blouses. Or writers are eccentric geniuses who chain smoke or drink too much. They are always tortured by their inner demons. They come from abusive families or lock themselves up for days at a time working on projects or just seem a little otherworldly. It's ridiculous, I know, but I somehow think that all artists are really like this.

Not me. If I described my childhood to you, you would swear I grew up in the Cleaver household. Yes, the one that named their kid "Beaver". My parents are still happily married, as are both my brothers. My grandparents all had 50+ year long marriages and none of them drank or smoked or spent time in jail. My family life centered around church and my parents didn't want me to have to work in high school to enable me to do community theater. I don't have any major vices unless you include the inability to work without deadlines. I love my husband, and we have been very sensible about money so there's no chance of us starving to death or having our cars repossessed.

I think I might be too boring to be an artist.

Of course, there are people who would say I'm crazy for feeling this way. Madeleine L'Engle, my favorite writer of all time, would say I'm ridiculous, that true art has nothing to do with vices, or tragedy, or at least that they aren't necessary to be a writer. Not that they can't. Some of the greatest art has come from those very things. But she would remind me that true art is a reflection of God Himself, that it is connecting to a deeper place within myself, a truer place, and finding the story that is waiting to be told.

I believe this is true, but there will always be a little part of me that believes that I needed just a little more tragedy, just a little more sadness in my life to break through the walls of my own fear and lack of creativity to somehow plug into the creative forces that birth art. And some part of me always will.