She hated the idea of manual labor (she could see the peasants living in squallor below the castle walls as they slaved away and it seemed very distasteful to her), so she decided to take a job in customer service, answering phones for a small non-profit wand company who provided discount wands for the poorest of wizards and elves in the land. How difficult could this job be? The princess was very well-liked wherever she went, and was considered far and wide to be the most charming lady in the land. She was sure that she would have no problems helping people on the phone.
On the first day of her job, the princess showed up much too early because she was excited. How lovely to have a desk and a phone and a stapler! How quaint and fun! When she was shown her desk, she set up a picture of her prince, which she kissed for good luck, and started to work.
Before long, the princess realized how tiring the job was, to always be at the beck and call of the phone, but found that, in spite of that, she was quite enjoying herself. Over the days of working the job, she decided it was nice to help people on the phone. Often they would call with very distressing problems and she was able to calm their fears, or give helpful advice. When that happened, the princess felt warm all over. Of course, there were plenty of times where someone would call with an obvious question that surely any person could have answered without making a phone call. Those calls were annoying for the princess, but she tried to remember the good days when someone called with a terrible problem she was able to fix.
Then, there came one day, one terrible day that the princess had never prepared for. The day started innocently enough. The princess was busy, but not too busy. When a phone call came in, she picked up.
"Customer Service Solutions, how may I help you?", she said in her charmingly sweet voice.
"I have a problem" sneered a voice on the other end.
"Well, you've called the right place! We want to help you in whatever way we can!" The princess silently congratulated herself on her cheerfulness in spite of the sneer from what seemed to be a disgruntled witch. "Now, how may I help you?"
"Well, considering how useless your company's product has been so far, I can't imagine you could be any help," said the voice. The princess was surprised at the rudeness of the voice, but took a deep breathe and plunged ahead.
"Oh, I'm so sorry you have had diffiuculties with one of our wands! Tell me what the trouble is."
"The stupid thing won't work. This morning I turned my cat into a frog!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm assuming that this is not the spell you intended to cast?"
"No, it was. I was trying to turn the stupid cat into a frog! The cat was driving me crazy with his mewing and shedding and scratching up my cauldron!"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think I see your problem with the wand. If you intended to turn the cat into a frog then the wand worked correctly."
"Oh no it didn't" the witch, "I wanted it to be a frog with blue eyes. Instead they were green."
"Did you specify eye color in your spell?"
"No."
"Then the wand worked correctly. Unless a particular detail of a transformation is specified in the spell, then we must assume that the wand is functioning correctly." The princess was again impressed with her own charm and disarming logic.
"No," said the witch disagreeably, "The wand doesn't work. I want a new one."
"But-", began the princess.
"No 'but's' from you, missy. Your company has a satisfaction guaranteed policy and I am dissatisfied. I want a new wand and I want it now."
The princess couldn't seem to get the words out that she needed to say. Her thoughts were tumbling around like a drunken fairy. How could anyone be so selfish? How could anyone be so demanding? The princess breathed deeply, and brought out her deepest reserve of loveliness and understanding. She wasn't a princess for nothing.
"Ma'am, I understand that you are dissatisfied with the wand, however, unless the product has actually malfunctioned in some way, we simply cannot replace them."
"Why?" the witch demanded. For some reason, this simple word disarmed her in a way nothing else had before. The princess was shocked to discover that the witch seemed impervious to her charms. She grasped for words but came up with nothing. She could almost hear the witch growing more satisfied with herself by the moment.
"Well--I---we have a policy..." she said weakly.
"Policy schmolicy" said the witch, "it's called a satisfaction guarantee. I am not satisfied. You guarantee me a new wand. Period. That's it."
"But surely you don't mean..."
"Surely I do. I mean that you should send me a new wand, pronto. Oh, and I expect a full refund for the first defective product"
"Please, we are a small company, we are trying to provide wands for those without the means to get one themselves. We can't do that if we're returning merchandise and giving refunds on them as well! Can't you see that?"
"You want to talk about giving back? I give back! I always give everyone fair warning before I turn them into something nasty. I actually gave one trespasser a running head start before I turned him into a newt. 'Twas more than he deserved."
"I appreciate your--ah--position, ma'am, but I simply can't refund your money."
It was a lost cause. No matter what the kind, beautiful princess said, no matter how much charm she mustered up from her soul, the witch would not be appeased. They went back and forth for what seemed like hours, the princess saying sweet customer service phrases and the witch demanding nothing less than a new wand and a full refund.
Suddenly, the princess had an idea. "Ma'am, I think that the person you really need to talk to is my manager. I'm sure he'll be able to answer your questions to your satisfaction."
"What a relief," said the witch, "Someone competent!"
The princess pretended she hadn't heard that, and transferred the call to her manager. When he answered, his voice was so kind to her, the princess almost cried. Pushing back tears, she said, "Bill, I've got a customer on the line that just won't take no for an answer and I don't know what to do!"
"Ok, slow down, tell me what's going on," said Bill. Bill was a kindly old dragon who, in a former life, had been quite the community terror. A brush with a local knight had been enough to scare him straight. He was a very kind manager. The princess quickly related the story, trying to stay very neutral. As she finished, though, she couldn't resist saying "She was awful to me and I don't think there's anything anyone could say to her that will make her happy."
"Oh, I see. You think she called just to make trouble?"
"Well, Bill, I don't want to think that anyone..."
"Princess, did she?"
"Yes!", she blurted out quickly. She knew it was probably true.
"Alright then, I'll take care of this one."
The phone clicked as Bill took the phone call. Left alone with her thoughts, the princess finally let one tear fall. She wanted to be strong, but realized her hands were shaking. Still, thinking back over the conversation, the princess had to be happy with the way she had handled herself. A few moments later, the princesses phone rang. It was Bill.
"Just wanted you to know I handled the situation."
"Are we sending her a refund?"
"No. No new wand either."
"Oh, Bill, how in the world did you manage that? I didn't think that old witch would budge!"
"Oh, just great customer service skills. You'll learn the longer you're here how to handle those types." The princess was a little upset with herself. She should have known how to deal with the witch.
"Besides," said Bill, "It's amazing what a little fire through the phone handset will do. After I breathed a little fire her way, she stopped her protest immediately! Thanks for your good work, kiddo."
"Thanks," said the princess absently. If that's what it took what chance did she have? At that moment, the princess made up her mind. She took off her headset phone and laid it on her desk. She picked up the picture of the prince which she glared at as she put it in her bag, and walked out.
She went straight home without speaking to anyone. When she saw her handsome prince she told him she would no longer support his silly art history dreams. She demanded he take up something more dignified and practical, like wood-working. She told him she would never again work such a job and would immediately go back to princessing. She was truly good at that afterall.
And for the rest of their days, the princess wandered the fields and gardens, singing sweet songs as princesses do, and always remembered to compliment her husband on his lovely wood carvings which all seemed to be small versions of famous paintings. And they lived happily ever after.
THE END
